years in review

So, back in the 90's my dad got me into this band called Counting Crows. A few years ago, I blogged a whole lot on MySpace. I was going through my old blog tonight and found this entry from July 2008. It's part of a Counting Crows song that spoke volumes to me. I always go back to these guys, to Damien Rice, and Elliot Smith when I need some outlet or inspiration.


There's things i remember and things i forget
I miss you i guess that i should
Three thousand five hundred miles away
But what would you change if you could?

I need a phone call maybe i should buy a new car
I can always hear a freight train if i listen real hard
And i wish it was a small world
Because I'm lonely for the big towns
I'd like to hear a little guitar
I think it's time to put the top down
I need a phone call
I need a raincoat.

I found that I quoted their music often, and I am even listening to them as I write this. Between the quotes were about five years of journals- starting from when I was in a much different place in my life. I look back on some of the struggles that I've had, the different places I lived, the things God did in my life, and when God was hardly a part of my life. If my students or friends out here read far back into my blog they might not know the person writing, but I just see tremendous growth in my life. It's so cool how we are worked on and worked through, how we document these things.

I see poetry, my own and others like Kenneth Rexroth. I see adventures to Colorado and Utah, to Thailand and Australia, Hawaii and Dominican Republic. I see rants about how much I can't stand drivers on the California freeways (yes..ok, note to self: I don't miss it that much) and raves about the times I got to spend in Northern California with my dad, and in my quiet places. I see my best friends from when we were a lot younger but we are still the same with each other. Funerals, the MFA program I still hope to be a part of. There's wine, foreign films. Months when I seemed so busy, and days where I had no clue what to do with myself.

There is so much I wrote about past experiences that changed me or shaped me....I guess not much has changed in that sense. The entry I was really looking for is this one from October 17, 2007- a month after returning from travel:

(In the moment) I dream that I am sitting on my front porch in Koh Tao watching the nightly storm pass across the ocean, leaving us with a little wind and a little door-knocking...our padlocked wooden "door" that closed us off from virtually nothing. We would walk onto the porch in sarongs and stand over the ocean watching the slow waves flow in and pull out, that slow pull of the ocean in all its power can seem so deadly yet peaceful in the right times. Combing out dreds over the pull and drift, it just brough out this surreal... intense... extracting every feeling that I try so hard on a daily basis to keep stored away- out of plainview, sight...somewhere in the back of my mind.

I try to avoid the times where these need to exist.

But I think all I want to do is let it all out.

I still look back on that and feel the same way. I know that I still have a heart for this place . . ..



Interestingly, one of the last blogs I came across was from 2006, when I was trying to "figure things out". I quoted Jeremiah 29:11 from a sermon I heard at church-


"I know the thoughts that I think toward you," says the Lord, "thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope."

It seems that this was a rededicaiton to put things back in God's hands and not my own.



I love looking back on what life has brought about, but I pray about being able to stay in the moment...to focus on the moment more often. One thing for sure is, I am waiting patiently (usually) for the future. I don't know what it holds, but even through all of my hopes and dreams, I know that my plan was written before I could even speak. One day I will look back on all of this- still quoting Counting Crows, still dreaming about travels, praying for God's future, reading my Bible, praying for peace, writing poetry, watching foreign films, developing my life.



(If you are someone who encourages me, please encourage me to write. I really have a lot to get out =)